Attending a Support Group

Support Groups can be a touchy topic for many people, but they have been a lifeline for many more. When my father was diagnosed with a terminal illness, my mom dragged my dad to a support group specific to his illness. She needed to know all she could about what they were facing, she wanted to be as prepared and proactive as possible. At first my dad resisted strongly because he didn’t want to know what might happen to him, and he didn’t want to be depressed by what he thought would be a devestating look at his new reality.

They were both pleasantly surprised. My mom found support and encouragement from other care givers, and my dad was encouraged to find others facing the same challenges and pushing through them.

So why join a elder care support group?



For support group participants, these meeting prove to be more than just an empathetic experience, a sharing of woe, or “wow our lives are rough” sessions, but also creative problem solving sessions. Participants share what kind of home modifications, diet changes, exercises, and medical care had brought them relief and strength, as well as passing along current research, medical breakthroughs, and technological advances that might improve their quality of life.

Support groups are like a gold mine, giving you the chance to meet with other people who have done the legwork in your local area and found resources close to home such as doctors, caregiver support, social and community events, and educational or informational classes on your particular disease or related care topics. Patients and their family members can pass on names of highly recomended doctors as well as which medical providers to avoid.

In addition to being an excellent informational resource, support groups can provide emotional stability and encouragment, a safe and healthy arena to process through the difficulties of having a terminal illness or the challenges of providing care for someone who has a terminal illness. Knowing that you’re not alone, that there are others who understand what you’re going through can be so encouraging.

When Seniors Refuse Medical Care

No one likes going to the doctor, but some of us dread it. When your loved one’s health is in jeopardy, they may desperately need to see their physician. My own father strongly resisted going to the doctor’s office, fearing the worst: diagnosis of an incurable disease. No amount of begging and pleading would move him. When it became painfully clear to my brothers and I that Dad was not just “getting old” as he claimed, we decided it was time to have a family meeting to try to convince him to seek medical attention. Our approach was simple, yet effective.

Reinforce the main reason your having “the conversation”: Because of deep love and concern. Sometimes a parent will do things for his or her children that they wouldn’t do for themselves. Knowing the emotional and mental concern that is weighing on you may be enough to urge them to go get some answers.

Ask why your loved one resists going to the doctor. When we asked my father about this, we were shocked to learn for the first time that both of his parents had died ultimately because of a doctor’s mis-care (ignored x-rays showing deadly lung cancer, and overmedicating causing death). He had two substantial reasons to have a fear of doctors! Upon hearing this, we proceeded the rest of our family meeting with more understanding and gentleness.

Walk your loved one through the “what ifs.” Sometimes just speaking their real concerns out loud will be enough to remove fear of diagnosis and denial of health issues. What if it IS something curable? Getting quick relief and a doctor’s care makes sense. What if it is something incurable? There are many incurable conditions that will be slowed or respond favorably to medications, diet changes, or lifestyle changes especially when they are identified earlier rather than later. And what if it turns out to be nothing? Everyone will breathe easier just knowing.

Ask your loved one to mention your concerns at his next regular visit (unless more urgent care is necessary). Sometimes people are more willing to broach the topic casually at a regular checkup with a familiar physician they trust. After our family sit down, my mother was convinced and brought up our concerns at my dad’s next appointment. His Urologist was the one who finally convinced him to see a specialist about Parkinson’s Disease.

Offer to help make an appointment, provide support, and transportation to the doctor’s office. Sometimes just being there is enough to break through the fear or denial.

Nintendo Wii: A Perfect Present for Seniors

By now, you have probably heard stories about how the Nintendo Wii has become a big hit in the world of Elder Care world. And it’s true. If you look around at your local Senior Center or Retirement Community, chances are, you will find a Nintendo Wii. And there might even be a line!

So, why Wii? Why now?

The Nintendo Wii is completely different than previous video games. The controls are not primarily based on pushing tiny buttons, but on motion. The player holds on to a control (sometimes one in each hand) and simulates the movement of the “virtual” player on the screen. In this way, people can “play” tennis without ever stepping out on a court, or bowl a twelve pound bowling ball even if they haven’t been inside a bowling alley in tweny years!

Kids love the Wii, of course, but seniors are maybe the ones who are most impressed.

Many therapists are starting to use the system in their practice, because it is a simple and fun way to encourage muscular motion. Some have dubbed it “Wii-hab.” The trend has stayed true in Oregon. Seniors all over the state have gotten into the game for exercise, entertainment, and even competition!

The Nintendo Wii retails for around $200, and the games range from $20 for simpler games to more than $80 for a game like Wii Fit, which includes a high-tech “Balance Board,” which is necessary for many of the activities.

The Wii makes an ideal Christmas present for grandparents, especially those who wish they could be more active. And the biggest plus of all could be this: the Wii could be an ideal place for grandpa to rub shoulders with his grandkids.

The End of Senior Driving: Helping Mom Hang up the Keys

When is it time to help mom or dad hang up the car keys for good? How do you bring up this sensitive topic to a loved one who is otherwise fairly independent? This is one we struggled with when my own mother had two accidents in short succession and sustained broken bones.

Depending on your loved one’s abilities, sometimes gradually decreasing driving is easier to swallow than removing driving rights all together. If they live in an Assisted Living facility, this should not be a great problem, as they will be able to take advantage of transportation assistance. But if they are independent, they don’t usually see that their driving skills have diminished. Encourage them to limit driving to a few local sites, and offer other transportation options for any appointments or errands which require longer distance or more skillful navigation (congested cities, higher speed highways, unfamiliar routes, etc.).

Before entering discussion with a loved one, do a little research on local transportation services, willing friends or family or volunteer services (if you are unable to provide transportation on a regular basis) so you’ll be able to present reasonable solutions that preserve their independence and dignity. Lovingly breach the topic, clearly expressing that their safety is your primary concern.

Action points:

1. Post a listing near their phone including
-local transportation services
-the names and numbers of willing family, friends, or volunteer services.

2. For really extreme cases, contact your local Department of Transportation. (Usually, if you are honest early on, it won’t come to this. Don’t let it get this far! Don’t be afraid to tell mom that she’s scaring you.)

Caring for your Parent at Home?

When the family conversation of “what to do with grandma” comes up, one irritating question will inevitably raised by one of the children: “Why can’t Grandma come live with us?” The question bounces off the ceiling, all four walls, and finally lays to rest on the kitchen table before someone works up the warrior courage to say, “Sweetheart, I don’t think that would work.”

The home care invitation option is intensely personal. It often comes up when an elder is suddenly left alone following the death of a spouse. Suddenly there are new concerns: How will Dad cook his meals? How will Grandma go to town without Grandpa to drive? What if something happens to her?

This type of non-medical home care is often dismissed right away, even though it is far less expensive and less complicated than any Assisted Living facility. So why do people turn it down so quickly? Because of the relational problems.

Family relationships are complicated and full of baggage. Throw in general personality conflicts and limited space issues, and you might have a recipe for disaster. This is NOT an option for everyone.

But too many people dismiss the idea without considering the positives. Bringing your elderly loved one into your home has many potential benefits. They would be cared for, for starters. With the help of you and your family, there’s no need to worry about them living alone and barely being able to manage. You could keep them out of the driver seat, and make sure they remembered to take their medication. And while they’re around, they could help with some housework, and with the kids’ homework. Plus, they would give you company: someone to go shopping or watch baseball with.

But the biggest benefit to having your parents/grandparents at home is the experience it can give to your own kids. Most children today never take the time to really get to know their grandparents. They have no concept of how difficult life was not so long ago, or of how dramatically this world has changed in such a short time. They don’t understand that some wisdom only comes through experience. And they NEED to know. They need to be linked with the elder generations. We all do.

I say this out of experience. Ten years ago, my aged grandparents came to my wedding. He was ninety one, and she was eighty-four. We sat outside the church talking about “the old days.” They didn’t walk to school up hill both ways, but they DID live in an empty grain silo for the first years of their marriage. They had nothing. Nothing at all. She delivered my uncle in that structure.

“Oh, but we had FUN in those days,” they said. “Kids today have everything, but they are all miserable. We had eachother, and that was enough.”

That was the last time I saw my grandfather. He died two months later. But I will never forget that conversation, or the wisdom they imparted that morning. As a young man about to start my own family, I needed it.

Having your aging loved one at home would give maximum opportunity for that kind of effect. It is risky and inconvenient, but the potential benefits should not be overlooked.

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