Caring for your Parent at Home?

When the family conversation of “what to do with grandma” comes up, one irritating question will inevitably raised by one of the children: “Why can’t Grandma come live with us?” The question bounces off the ceiling, all four walls, and finally lays to rest on the kitchen table before someone works up the warrior courage to say, “Sweetheart, I don’t think that would work.”

The home care invitation option is intensely personal. It often comes up when an elder is suddenly left alone following the death of a spouse. Suddenly there are new concerns: How will Dad cook his meals? How will Grandma go to town without Grandpa to drive? What if something happens to her?

This type of non-medical home care is often dismissed right away, even though it is far less expensive and less complicated than any Assisted Living facility. So why do people turn it down so quickly? Because of the relational problems.

Family relationships are complicated and full of baggage. Throw in general personality conflicts and limited space issues, and you might have a recipe for disaster. This is NOT an option for everyone.

But too many people dismiss the idea without considering the positives. Bringing your elderly loved one into your home has many potential benefits. They would be cared for, for starters. With the help of you and your family, there’s no need to worry about them living alone and barely being able to manage. You could keep them out of the driver seat, and make sure they remembered to take their medication. And while they’re around, they could help with some housework, and with the kids’ homework. Plus, they would give you company: someone to go shopping or watch baseball with.

But the biggest benefit to having your parents/grandparents at home is the experience it can give to your own kids. Most children today never take the time to really get to know their grandparents. They have no concept of how difficult life was not so long ago, or of how dramatically this world has changed in such a short time. They don’t understand that some wisdom only comes through experience. And they NEED to know. They need to be linked with the elder generations. We all do.

I say this out of experience. Ten years ago, my aged grandparents came to my wedding. He was ninety one, and she was eighty-four. We sat outside the church talking about “the old days.” They didn’t walk to school up hill both ways, but they DID live in an empty grain silo for the first years of their marriage. They had nothing. Nothing at all. She delivered my uncle in that structure.

“Oh, but we had FUN in those days,” they said. “Kids today have everything, but they are all miserable. We had eachother, and that was enough.”

That was the last time I saw my grandfather. He died two months later. But I will never forget that conversation, or the wisdom they imparted that morning. As a young man about to start my own family, I needed it.

Having your aging loved one at home would give maximum opportunity for that kind of effect. It is risky and inconvenient, but the potential benefits should not be overlooked.